Aging isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be

As I sail merrily along on this voyage of discovery that is aging, I have come across occasional bad weather and a few rocky shoals.  

I realize that I should appreciate the stretches of calm water and smooth sailing that fill most of my days―and I do.  It just seems that they aren’t as memorable as the violent storms that pop up.

Aging isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be. I remember as a child wishing my life away until I was old enough to do what I wanted to with nobody telling me that I wasn’t old enough. I seem to have passed through that stage in life without realizing that I was there. I certainly am old enough now to do as I wish, but now I’ve either lost interest in doing it or if I did it there would be serious physical repercussions.  

Life is still interesting and exciting and every day is a learning opportunity. It’s just that I can remember when the snap, crackle and pop I heard in the morning was my breakfast cereal and not my ligaments and cartilage.  

It’s getting harder to keep up with current trends. I saw a list of the top ten songs being played and I hadn’t heard of any of them nor the groups that played them. I know not of the latest fashion trends. Style has been replaced by comfort.  I have sport coats with lapels that reach all the

way over to my shoulders but they’re almost new since they are hardly worn so they still occupy a place in my closet.  

I have learned that polyester is my friend, it never wrinkles and wears like iron. Sneakers, or whatever they are called now, hurt my feet less than dress shoes so I wear them with most outfits. Sneakers, polyester pants and my sport coat may draw smiles from the younger set, but I’m comfortable and clean and that’s what is important to me.

Health has become more of an issue but it’s becoming harder to keep up with the list of things that are bad for you. They change the rules too frequently and most of them don’t make sense. A few years ago, cranberry juice was supposed to cause cancer, now it’s good for you. I’ve learned that if it tastes good, it’s bad for you.  No fats, no sugars or salts, no fried food, no red meat―they all cause cancer or hurt your heart. The only things left, by my reckoning, are weeds and sawdust.

I cut out sugar, used a sugar substitute, then out came a report that the sugar substitute caused cancer in lab rats.  I have stopped trying to eat what’s good for me and have decided to eat what I darn well please.  It’s a lot more fun and I’m sure that soon scientists are going to discover that cancer is hereditary in white lab rats and it doesn’t matter what they eat, they’re going to get it.

I’ve learned not to read the “right to know” warnings on

medicines.  I have decided that I have the right not to know.  If I have a headache, I want to take something to make it go away if I can get the bottle open. I don’t want to know that it may cause blindness, bad breath, low sperm count, a ringing in my ears, shortness of breath or cancer in white lab rats.

After much pondering, I’ve learned that aging leads to being old and that, hopefully, will be that thing that does you in. That is something I can deal with. You’ve got to be tough to be old!

Thought for the week:

“Be careful about reading health books, you may die of a misprint.” - Mark Twain.

Until next week, may you and yours be happy and well.

‍

Dick Brooks is a locally renowned humor columnist. A resident of New Baltimore, Dick is a retired schoolteacher and former Greene County legislator.